Imagine you’ve got a new job.
Your dream job. The one where you’re not paid with money, but in fact cheeky smiles and oxytocin boosting cuddles.
You’ve dreamt of this your whole life. You’ve worked hard towards this promotion. You’ve read the books. You’ve witnessed those before you become a parent. You’ve watched as your body changed; you even birthed your baby! The day is finally here.
Sure it’s all you’ve ever dreamt of, and more. But it’s also the most challenging thing your ever done. No one told you that it takes all your emotional energy to not scream when the baby screams. No one told you that the constant interrupted sleep would leave you in a constant state of exhaustion, feeling grumpy and foggy. No one told you how it would affect your relationship with your partner.
No one told you that you as a person would change. That you wouldn’t be able to recognize yourself, physically or emotionally.
No one told you that your entire soul would be different. Your beliefs, your interests and even your friends will change. Who even are you? You’re a parent, yes. But truly, who are you?
The thing is that no one told you because maybe those who have experienced it don’t even understand it. You feel lost and confused. You wonder, how can someone love themselves if they don’t even know who they are?
Matrescence.
The term you’ve been searching for. The ‘a-ha’ moment.
The term used to describe the right of passage between being a maiden and becoming a mother and beyond. The definition, first termed by Dana Raphael in 1973 and expanded later by Aurélie Athan, Ph.D. (2016) is ‘…the process of becoming a mother… is a developmental passage where a woman transitions through preconception, pregnancy and birth, or adoption or surrogacy, to the postnatal period and beyond. The exact length of matrescence is individual, recurs with each child, and may arguably last a lifetime! The scope of the changes encompasses multiple domains --bio-psycho-social-political-spiritual-- and can be likened to the developmental push of adolescence.’
The truth is that becoming a mother, whether this is the first time or last time, is a life altering event and may be the biggest change you will ever experience.
It’s ok to not feel like the woman you were before. Because you’re not the same woman.
Your priorities change. Your thoughts change. The love for your partner and yourself changes.
You may feel lost in the thick of new mothering. You may not know who you are.
But I promise you, you will find yourself again. And this new version of yourself will be more thoughtful, loving and kind. The new you already is more beautiful than ever, you just need to find her.
My favourite book that I have read on this topic is about ‘finding the new you
through motherhood’. It is called Mama Rising by Amy Taylor-Kabbaz.
This photo is me minutes after my second boy was born, seconds after finding out he was a boy. We never officially found out the gender but I was 99% sure this baby was a girl. This is the face of a mother finding out that she is destined to be a boy Mum. This took some time to accept. It has affected my matrescence journey. Yet, there is nothing in the world I would change about my beautiful boys.
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